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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23395807">Dear Donghyuck</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckshot/pseuds/hyuckshot'>hyuckshot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Love Letters, M/M, Puppy Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:33:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,299</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23395807</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckshot/pseuds/hyuckshot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark wants to see the world with Donghyuck and take him to places he's never been before. When Donghyuck leaves for Tokyo and Mark leaves for Vancouver, they lose connection and break it off.</p><p>One of them still loves the other and maybe vice versa, but none of them knows how to work it out. </p><p>Fate works in mysterious ways, they said, you shouldn't look for love, love will find you. Maybe they should just leave it to fate.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>239</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dear Donghyuck</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HELLOOO this is unbetaed as usual and i spent like a week getting this shit together so please go easy on me. If you see typos, please just ignore then T^T I've been meaning to finish this fic and share it with everyone and it has been leaving me very excited and nervous, so please go easy on me.</p><p>If you ever wonder where the story came from, I have a trailer on twt: @haechanfairy, do check it out if you wish to.</p><p>IMPORTANT NOTE:<br/>italic - flashbacks<br/>Italic and bold - letters</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> The sleeves of Donghyuck’s uniform suddenly feels bothersome and itchy as he tugs down at the cuffs, forcing it to reach his palms and cover his fingers. It was impossible in a way because now that it’s been a while since his mother bought new sets of uniforms, the sleeves fit just right, almost shorter than they should be. Either way, it fits him perfectly, no hints of looseness nor tight fits. He looks below him from where he stands on the juniors’ rooftop, eyeing the endless landscape that seems to comfort him as he tries to breathe his way through his nerves. The city looked big enough from where he stands, the buildings reaching as far as they can until it looked like they touched the sun. Further into the horizon, the buildings disappear and begin to be replaced by the light the sun radiates and the mountain ranges covered in fog. It’s a wonder how something that seems so near is actually distant and different. Donghyuck thinks it can pass off as a metaphor but he shrugs it off. His tongue glides past his lower lip before it finds purchase between his teeth. To say he was nervous, is a big understatement because he’s fucking nervous indeed.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He hears the heavy footsteps that seem to drag themselves painfully slow until it comes to a halt just behind Donghyuck somewhere. He closes his eyes and inhales a deep breath, silently praying to the gods that nothing goes wrong. He feels the need to clutch at his uniform for support yet he decides not to, because if the person behind him sees it, he might think that Donghyuck was lame so he waits patiently, wanting the ground to swallow him whole. He doesn’t know what he’s waiting for but all he knows is that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Donghyuck?” the voice asks, half amused and half confused. Donghyuck has no idea what to think of it.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Mark,” he croaks out. He winces at how vulnerable and strained his voice sounds and makes a note to drink water the next time he decides to do something as stupid as this. With all the guts and reputation he has left, he turns around to face the older, “You made it.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The moment Donghyuck turns around, they were both surprised by the proximity of their faces. Almost less than an arms length away from Donghyuck, stood Mark, eyes wide and lips parted into a small “o”. Donghyuck’s voice was barely above a whisper and it’s even more embarrassing when he realizes how much he was shaking. The breeze is cool against their skin, in contrast to the heat radiating from the sun, it feels heavy on Donghyuck’s skin, on his shoulders and most of all, in his heart. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” Mark nonchalantly shrugs.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “The note was anonymous, it could’ve been anyone,” Donghyuck could only reason out his fears, “Or could it be... You were expecting someone else?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It leaves a bitter taste on his tongue to say the last few words, but it’s something he had been fearing. The way he can’t stop thinking of the confusion on Mark’s face, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips parted, the unsureness of his tone and the way everything just weighs so much on Donghyuck’s poor little heart. Mark must have noticed because he immediately rushes to get decent sentences out of his mouth, spitting sorry’s and other forms of apologies he can muster.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I never said that and for the record, I thought it was something important, the note felt urgent,” Mark explains. The yellow sticky note sits between his fingertips, mocking Donghyuck with his rushed handwriting, the message to meet him at the rooftop after class, hastily written.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Oh, were you busy?” blurts out, panic starting to flow in his veins, “If you’re busy then we can just go, I can just tell you some other time. It’s not that important anyway.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark can only furrow his eyebrows deeper, he steps to the side when Donghyuck makes a move to walk past him, completely blocking the younger’s way, “I’m already here, you can just tell me. Is something wrong? Is this about the class?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> If Donghyuck felt stupid, then now he feels lighter. Mark may be the class president and the smartest student, yet he fails to use his brain sometimes. The sticky note literally has a happy face at the bottom and tiny hearts around it to at least give a hint of his intentions, yet here he was, thinking about classroom matters. Maybe Mark was avoiding the subject? Maybe he wasn’t interested? Maybe Donghyuck just read all of his kindness wrong. Maybe he should just bolt and avoid Mark forever. That seems like a plan. Not now though, it would be hard to do that in class.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It’s not related to class, that’s why it’s not important,” Donghyuck pushes, “It’s fine really, I don’t want to take up your time.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Donghyuck,” Mark warns, “don’t you think it’s a little too late for that? I’m already here so might as well tell me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He doesn’t fail to notice the way Mark’s hands shake and his fingers grip a little tighter on the now crumpled sticky note resting in his hand. Donghyuck thinks he’s crossed a line he shouldn’t have and now Mark is upset and annoyed at the fact that Donghyuck had the guts to waste his precious time, he dreads it. His heart constricts in his chest, feeling burdened. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He nods, taking a deep breath before saying it in one go, “I like you.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Pardon?” he asks, leaning forward and as he seemed taken aback. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I really like you, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck repeats, firm and clear, stepping out of his boundaries and admitting the feelings he’s kept from the other for so long. It’s feels like a relief to finally say it, although now, Mark is staring at him with an unreadable expression and he can’t look him in the eyes. Too scared to see disappointment and disgust.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Please say something,” Donghyuck almost pleads, voice getting smaller by the minute, trying to stop his heart from breaking and his tears from falling. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I want to kiss you,” Mark replies absent-minded, he looks as if the thought just hopped into his head and he decides that voicing it out would be the best idea. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Stop messing with me please.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Donghyuck, I really want to kiss you right now,” he firmly says. His eyes are looking straight at Donghyuck and his voice is filled with nothing but determination and sincerity. Who was Donghyuck to deny? Who was he to think of anything else?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Then please do.” the younger manages to whisper.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark seems to be stuck at first, processing what Donghyuck had just said. It didn’t take him long enough though before he shoves the sticky note back into his pocket only to step a little closer. Donghyuck blinks once, twice, thrice, until Mark’s hand cups his face, tilting it towards an angle. Their eyes automatically flutter close the moment Mark slots their lips together. Warm and soft, that’s what it felt like. The breeze in contrast with the sun, cool against their skin, yet Mark felt warm. He felt warm with the sun cradled in the palm of his hand, lips pressed against his, motionless, but accepting, the sun followed him. The kiss was inexperienced on Donghyuck’s part, he hasn’t kissed, maybe once with his friend Jeno, but that doesn’t count. Besides, he has only been liking one person throughout his life. On the other hand, Mark dealt with so many people, a few admirers here and there, and followers on the lookout. People swooned after him. The thing is, he only had one person in mind anyway, and he was certain that the person that ran through his mind day and night, nonstop, was the same person whose heart shaped lips are pressed against his. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Dear Donghyuck, </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Today I write this letter in hopes to reach out to you. I know there’s a big possibility that you wouldn’t read this, but it doesn’t hurt to try, would it? You know, I really don’t think I fell out of love. By the time you read these letters, I’ll still be waiting. I don’t know why I’m still doing this and maybe you’re wondering as well, I have no idea, Hyuck, I just want you to be okay. I hope you’re doing well, I hope you’re surrounded by the things you love and doing the things you love. I also hope you’re surrounded by people you love and filled with nothing but positive energy, you deserve it, Hyuck, you deserve so much more. That’s the type of person you are, you’re strong, brave and positive, you can take on the world alone, but you need someone to hold sometimes. That’s understandable, everyone does. I can’t say I miss you because that would make it seem like I want to hold you back. Although, it’s ironic because I still send these letters in hopes to make a connection. I really do hope you receive these letters. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Until I see you again. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Sincerely Yours, </em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Mark. </em> </b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Mark, what the fuck dude? I’ve been shouting your name for more than 3 minutes now, what are you even doing?” </p><p> </p><p>Mark is startled from where he’s leaning down on his table, pen clutched in one hand, the other fumbling with the envelope he’s managed to seal before the person barging into his door arrived. </p><p> </p><p>“Bills,” he answered a little too bothered. He groans, piling up the papers, completely disorganized on his table. Too much paperwork, too much waste. He hates it when his table is a mess, yet, he leaves it that way because he’s nothing but an unproductive procrastinator. </p><p> </p><p>“Sure, bills,” Jaehyun, his dorm mate scoffs, eyeing the papers scattered on the table, “scented bills in fancy envelopes, sure, Mark.” </p><p> </p><p>“Dude, stop snooping,” Mark tries to faux annoyance, pushing the older out of his room. He manages to lead them both into the living room where the rest of the house’s inhabitants hang around. He only stops pushing at the older when he gives Mark a serious look. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re still sending him letters?" Jaehyun asks in a serious tone, something akin to a brother's warning,"Are you even sure he's receiving them?" </p><p> </p><p>Mark takes in a deep breath, does Donghyuck receive them? </p><p> </p><p>"Hyung, I honestly have no idea, but Donghyuck loves these things. It wouldn't hurt to try, would it?" he tries to explain with determination, although the thought of Donghyuck not receiving the letters sure do crush his heart, his shoulders end up slumping forward, voice barely firm at all. </p><p> </p><p>"It's been years, Mark, he should have replied by now. You've literally sent him a letter each month." Jaehyun tries to push further, hitting places that hurt too much and feel too painful to be real. Open wounds that don't seem to close anytime soon, not unless Mark lets go. </p><p> </p><p>"I'll be fine, hyung, I need to go," he rushes out before any of the other people catch a glimpse of him and question where he's going. Jaehyun seems to stop at that, although, Mark fails to see the amusement at the older's eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Mark takes the bike, cycling to the post office to drop his letter, it wasn't too far and it wouldn't take too much of his time. People didn't go to post offices too much these days. It's barely visited and used. With the technology and SNS, people seem to lose the value of letters and postcards, no one seems to make them anymore. Well, Mark is one of the few people who still makes them. It holds something special in his heart for someone dearly special to him as well. </p><p> </p><p>True to Jaehyun's words, it's been four years since Mark graduated highschool and moved to Canada to finish his studies and each month, the older would catch him writing letters and sending them the same day. It's the fourth year, Mark would be graduating in a couple of months but there were still no signs of life on the other line. It's either Donghyuck doesn't receive them at all or he doesn't bother reading them. It's tragic how Mark flew to Vancouver a month after graduation, not even bothering to say goodbye, although, he wasn't sure if a goodbye was necessary, given the situation they were in during those times. He's certain Donghyuck still lived at the same address, the other wouldn't have went abroad because the only universities he applied for were in Seoul. That leaves him to the conclusion that, yes, Donghyuck does ignore him, but will he stop? He wouldn't. Not a chance. Not until Donghyuck tells him so. </p><p> </p><p>"Mark! I knew you'd come in today," the man behind the counter greets with the brightest smile on his face. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Taeil, same goes," he shrugs, sliding the envelope towards the other, lips pressing into a thin line as he worries about his emotions, "Hey, can I ask a question?" </p><p> </p><p>"Shoot." </p><p> </p><p>"Do my letters actually send?" he asks with nothing but pure curiosity. He didn't want to offend the worker and actual friend now, but he can't help getting the thought off of his mind. </p><p> </p><p>"Mark, you pay, we deliver, of course they send," he chuckles softly, despite the concern in his eyes, "is anything wrong?" </p><p> </p><p>"No, of course not," he gulps down the lump in his throat, "everything's perfectly fine. I'll take my leave now, hyung, see you around!" </p><p> </p><p>When Mark gets home to the dorms, he makes it his goal to clean up the mess on his table to avoid getting scolded by Taeyong and hear a whole lecture on why he should be more responsible. He stacks up his papers for revision, his stationeries, his textbooks and bundles of review material. He only stops when he thinks the table was clean enough to go, but he does a double take and walks back towards the table when he sees something poking out from under one of his journals. </p><p> </p><p>He lifts the little notebook and takes out the glossy material to eye it between his fingertips. Wrong move, he thinks. He thinks he shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have let curiosity swallow him, but here he is. He takes a seat on his chair, tongue poking at his cheeks in annoyance directed to no one other than himself. </p><p> </p><p>As if the picture was mocking him, as if younger Mark was mocking him right now. It was a picture of him during one of their little family get togethers, it would've been nice if the picture was only him, could've held good memories, but there's a pang on his chest when he slides his eyes, looking over how happy younger Mark was, arm wrapped around Donghyuck's waist. His eyes were as bright as the stars, hair orange then, fluffy atop his head and glitter on his cheeks from the painting that his cousin insisted to do for Donghyuck. It was the same day he introduced the younger to his family, heart going haywire with nervousness and fear, he knew they would like them, but it's always the nerves and the thoughts that bother his mind and take away the peace. Donghyuck only held his hand then, moving to place a kiss on his cheek and squeeze his hand, "We'll be okay," he used to say. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey," he mumbles before chuckling to himself, he looks stupid right now, "I just want you to be okay. That'll make me happier than ever. Just tell me you're okay and doing better than I am with all this."</p><p> </p><p>Mark clicks his tongue, groaning before slumping in his chair, head faced towards the ceiling to blink away the stinging in his eyes, he hates this, he hates how stupid he feels. It feels like talking to a brick wall, untouchable and unmovable and most of all, unresponsive with no hopes of a reply. </p><p> </p><p>"Donghyuck-ah," Mark croaks out, calling out to no one, "You told me we'd be okay, but why do I feel like this?" </p><p> </p><p>It doesn't take Mark a lot longer before he's walking back to bed with unshed tears in his eyes that he completely breaks like tsunami tides in his eyes and an immense force of emotional waves deep in his heart. It's stupid, he knows, holding onto something that's not there anymore, something with nothing but uncertainty, yet he continues anyway, he's too caught up now and there's no room to push away. Unless, not now, maybe. </p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Dear Donghyuck, </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Is it getting cold these days? Or is it warmer? It's hard to trust the weather forecast nowadays, everything is unpredictable. You used to get sick a lot back then when the weather starts changing. I hope you're sleeping well and getting enough rest. Drink your vitamins too, those are important. Are you getting colds again? Hahahaha I bet your nose gets red and puffy like it used to. If I had your social media I'd probably get to see you rant about your nose or make memes out of yourself. I bet you're still the same, Hyuck. You'll always be you, right? It's what I love about you most, you don't give a single fuck about anyone who has anything to say. I miss that. I miss how brave you are. You're reckless sometimes but it's always for the better, you always had good intentions. You're amazing, Donghyuck, I hope the people around you now remind you that everyday. Stay safe, stay happy. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Sincerely Yours,</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Mark.</em> </b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"I was thinking…" Mark trails off as all of his dorm mates shuffle into the dinner table to eat along with Jaehyun and himself.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, no, that's never a good thing," Ten teases, moving across the counter to fetch himself utensils. </p><p> </p><p>"Funny, hyung," Mark rolls his eyes, although the others let out a chuckle, "I was thinking of going to Korea this summer."</p><p> </p><p>"See, what'd I tell you?" Ten shrugs, eyeing Jaehyun and Taeyong. He takes a seat across from Mark and nudges Jaehyun who seems to be stuck in his place, brows furrowed. </p><p> </p><p>"We don't control you, Mark, and you can do whatever you want, but if you're only going to Korea to look for him…" Jaehyun trails off, voice decreasing into a whisper nearing the end. He leaves the sentence hanging, despite this, everyone in the room understands.</p><p> </p><p>"I won't, hyung," Mark answers weakly, "I just want to go visit. Vancouver is home but a huge part of me grew up in Korea too."</p><p> </p><p>Dinner was left at that with no space for questions nor any other suggestions and negative reactions. Of course it was unlike their usual dinner where the atmosphere was loud and comfortable, Mark knew he made it suffocating and tense, although what else can he do? He felt the love and the concern of his friends, in fact, he does appreciate their efforts to look after him and stand as older brother figures while being his friend at the same time, but still, Mark would like to deal with his emotions alone and maintain his efforts to reach Donghyuck as is. </p><p> </p><p>The only hope he's had is sending letters to an old address he has no idea who lives in anymore, an address he isn't even sure is occupied by inhabitants anymore. He has no knowledge on Donghyuck's whereabouts, the younger seems to have blocked him out of his life entirely, making sure he's well hidden away from social media or maybe he has deleted the ones he used to own, either way, Mark would still continue to send his hopeless letters. Donghyuck used to love them in high school, the younger seemingly had a huge stock at home, buying everything he thought was cute from the nearest bookstore. He'd find a reason, one way or another, to make sense of why he'd buy the stationeries and colored pens. When Mark was the class president, Donghyuck would always leave sticky notes on his desk, either they'd be a good luck for an exam or a have a nice day. The notes would always be designed with little hearts and doodles the younger would draw with colored pens. </p><p> </p><p>The use of scented envelopes and love letters started when Donghyuck counted the first few months they were together, each month Donghyuck would write him a letter about the things he loved about Mark, he would write about their relationship and how thankful he was to have him. He would always call Mark a hopeless romantic and Mark would tease him back, saying he's the one who uses old stationeries and writes letters when it's literally the age of technology. Young Mark could never do what Donghyuck did, he didn't write letters, never bought gifts, never even gave Donghyuck flowers. He would always tell Mark it's okay, he understands, Mark is always busy and he knows the other needed space to breathe a little. Donghyuck has always been so kind, so loving and always so considerate. Mark hates thinking about it now, how he was such a jerk, how much of a douchebag he was for having to let go of someone as wonderful as Donghyuck. He should've noticed then when the younger started losing the spark in his eyes whenever it was the time of the month to give Mark one of his precious letters. Mark should've paid more attention, he should have valued the handwritten ink on paper. He should've asked for another chance when Donghyuck asked him what he wanted. </p><p> </p><p>He didn't say anything. </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck smiled at him, the way he always does. So pretty, so gentle, Mark can feel it warm in his heart just thinking about it. Although his smile didn't reach his eyes like he used to, he reached out a hand to give Mark's hand a final squeeze, "We'll be okay, Mark." </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck had turned around then to leave, hiding his tears and quiet sobs, but Mark was too taken aback and overwhelmed to even move from where he stood. He should have ran after him. He should have been wiser. </p><p> </p><p>Mark was never this emotional for two months straight, he's never been this sappy and sentimental. He thinks of Donghyuck every once in a while but he never ended up crying as much as he does now, let alone even cry. Maybe it's because graduation is coming up or maybe it's because his friends' words are starting to sink in on him that he is in fact hopeless and being a fool. Either way, it was starting to become unhealthy and at this point the fact that Donghyuck kept running around in his head just made him lose focus and attention on his workload and academics. Yet here he was again, thinking of Donghyuck and how the situation was so similar to their first fight. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> "Markie? Hey," Donghyuck peeks through the opening he's managed to fit in through Mark's bedroom door. The older was sitting on a chair in front of his study table, completely immersed on the material he was reading, "How are you?"  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He doesn't respond. Donghyuck takes it as a chance to walk into the room and stay beside Mark, hand coming to poke at the older's cheek with each word he says.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Your mom told me you've been studying for 3 days straight now," he stops poking and proceeds to wrap his arms Mark instead, "Come on, Mark, you need a break."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I'm fine, Hyuck," he says dismissively.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "No, this isn't okay. Please, Mark? Just an hour break or so? Come on Markie," the other pleads, using his puppy eyes and adorable pout. He knows Mark would never be able to resist. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "No, Hyuck just stop it," he tries to push Donghyuck's arms away.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Markie-"  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Just stop it, Hyuck!" he manages to shout, arms moving on their own to shove the younger away from him, "stop being annoying for once, will you? I'm sorry I care a lot about the future, okay?"  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It sends Donghyuck stumbling a few steps away from him but not enough to make him fall. Although the look on his face was nothing but shock, hurt, and fear. Mark knows he's fucked up, the moment he hears the tremble in Donghyuck's voice, he wanted to press restart and go back to square one.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "What do you think of me? What do you take me for?" Donghyuck lets out, his eyes, Mark can't even look him in the eyes. He knows if he does, he would break, and he didn't want to break in front of Donghyuck, "I care about the future too, Mark and unfortunately I care about you too. You weren't responding to my messages and I wanted to check up on you." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> His voice tones down, turning into a gentle whisper, "I wanted to see if you're okay. I guess you are. I'll take my leave now." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Hyuck, no-"  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I'm fine, Mark, I understand." he mumbles as he nods to himself, "I have to study too." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I didn't mean it that way and I'm sorry I pushed you, Donghyuck please," Mark tried.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "It's okay," his voice shakes a little more, he lets out a breath before looking back at Mark with teary eyes, "Don't forget to eat your dinner and get enough sleep… Don't get sick while you're at it."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He says. Softly and gently, Mark does feel loved, but does he do a good job at making Donghyuck feel the same?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I'll see you after exam week," he mumbles, crossing the room to the door, "I love you." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He doesn't wait for Mark to say it back, he only shakes his head, hands occupying his face as he closes the door behind him, ready to sprint home. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>"My bro, Mark, did you know that stress kills sperm cells?" Lucas, his friend, who's currently taking the same class as he is, blurts out beside him, clamping a hand on his shoulder as he settles on his claimed seat. </p><p> </p><p>"And who told you that?" Mark scoffs, attention focused on his text book. </p><p> </p><p>"Me," he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, to which Mark could only laugh at, "Dude, you need to get laid, look at you! You look like death!" he teases, making gurgling noises imitating that of the zombies from train to Busan. Mark hit the back of his head, making him stop as they both burst into laughter. </p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, but no thanks, Yukhei," Mark shakes his head, smile still plastered on his face. </p><p> </p><p>"What? Why not?" Lucas screeches, sounding offended, "Mark, it's just one night out. You don't have a boyfriend and your lover boy doesn't seem to be responding, I don't see a problem here."</p><p> </p><p>Mark halts in his movements, hands stopping short from flipping the page of his book and worries his lip between his teeth, gnawing to block out the hurt. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh, damn, I hit the ouchie?" Lucas mumbles, eyes worried and searching. </p><p> </p><p>"You hit the ouchie," Mark confirms, pointer finger directed at his chest where his heart is, "big, big ouchie."</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, man, doesn't change the fact that you're gonna get laid tonight and I'm going to be your hype man," Lucas only laughs off, rubbing comforting circles on Mark’s back. </p><p> </p><p>Mark feels loved. He really does. He feels the effort and the willingness of his friends to make him feel better. The only thing was, they’re reading it the wrong way. He appreciates the fact that they’re doing their best to get him a stable love life and get his emotions together, but it’s just not what Mark is going through. No university fling and new found love will ever be love to Mark, unless it’s Donghyuck. He’s afraid he’s going to live a lonely life alone, waiting for Donghyuck to come back because he’s all Mark ever wanted. He’s all he wanted and more than that. It’s crazy how he’s still waiting and running after someone who doesn’t respond and probably doesn’t give a single fuck about him anymore, but who was he to complain? Who was he to get mad at Donghyuck? Who was he to doubt and question how the other feels about him?</p><p> </p><p>The day flashed right in front of Mark’s eyes — too slow, too fast. It was a blur for the most part, but literally, the day wasn’t eventful enough to be considered as something to be worth remembering. It was the same as any other day; lectures halls, sea of people, waiting in line for lunch, and Lucas being with him every second, minute and hour of the day. Not long after when the dark of the night has loomed over the city, the moon is bright and lurking when they head towards the subways to the nearest bar around campus where students hang out to relieve stress. Mark should have been studying by now instead of having Lucas and the others drag him into the crowded room. What was he even studying for? There wasn’t even an exam to begin with. <em> Excuses </em>, he thinks to himself, his excuses just get lamer and lamer each time. The sky outside is a painted canvas of dark blues and black, the stars are surprisingly littered across the void, as though they’re looking down at Mark and empathizing with him. He notices how the moon takes the center of attention, shining bright and outstanding amongst everything else. It reminds him of a certain someone. Someone he’s supposed to forget and push towards the back of his mind. Yet, he wonders if that someone sees the same sky as he does. He wonders if the same someone still looks up at the moon and thinks it’s breathtaking, but nothing can outdo the sun. Nothing can beat the beauty of the sun when its light cascades over the darkest of valleys, or the way its light drapes over the city in the morning when the birds chirp and the kids cry for it’s too early to get up from bed. He does shine, catching everyone’s eyes — bright and happy, that’s how it used to be. </p><p> </p><p>“Come on, Mark, live a little,” Lucas urges, pushing a glass of something towards him. He hesitates for a minute, <em> maybe I do need to loosen up, </em> before gulping everything in one go. The liquid lines his throat, sending him to a coughing fit, regretting even gulping it down.</p><p> </p><p>“What the fuck is that?” he winces, eyes narrowing at his friend.</p><p> </p><p>“Hell’s special, catch you in the dance floor, Markie,” Lucas laughs, patting Mark’s back and striding over to the center of the room where bodies over bodies press against each other, completely disregarding the idea of personal space. </p><p> </p><p>Mark thinks back to the parties they went to in high school, sure they were only eighteen and the parties were thrown by the rich kids who seem to know everyone in school, sneaking out to invite everyone behind their parents’ backs when they leave for a business trip or sorts. It wasn’t anything big, nor was it wild, just a bit of alcohol, playing games and people hanging out in groups, talking and catching up. It was almost child-friendly, if you asked Mark, unless the alcohol takes over you and you start doing weird shit because you felt like it. He never went to these parties despite being nineteen then. Once, that’s all it was, just once. Donghyuck had dragged him into one of the senior’s parties, pout on his lips and eyes sparkling in hope, he wasn’t invited but Mark was. Everyone knew Mark, they knew Donghyuck as well — he was pretty, why would they ignore someone like him? Although, Donghyuck doesn’t vibe well with the “<em> cool kids”. </em>The moment he hears of Mark’s invitation though, he pleads the older to go and take him with him, saying, “Please, Markie, I’m 18 now. At least see what it’s like to have fun?” He was Mark. That was Donghyuck. Of course he gave in. Who was he to deny Donghyuck?</p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Do you know I love you?” Donghyuck mumbles, forehead pressed on Mark’s shoulder, his lips brush against the skin on Mark’s neck with his breath fanning over his skin, making goosebumps rise, “I love you a lot, I always have.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark could only pull the younger closer, lap heavy with the weight of Donghyuck against him. His arms are wrapped around the younger’s small waist, keeping him steady and away from falling. Funny because right now, Mark feels like taking the fall.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Do you…” Donghyuck whispers. Mark notices the slight wavering of his voice, “love me too?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark is taken aback, breath caught in his throat. It’s an easy question supposedly answered with an easy answer. He shouldn’t have to think too long about it.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Of course I do, Hyuck,” He whispers just as gently, completely ignorant and blocking out the noise of the house. The booming music of the loud speakers and shouting inside the house is nothing when he feels Donghyuck’s soft kiss on the corner of his lips.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Make me feel like it,” Donghyuck almost pleads, his lips still pressed on the corner of Mark’s lips, “Show me you love me.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Donghyuck was drunk, Mark was sober. It was enough for him to feel the sensation, the moment the younger moves and slots their lips against each other. It felt warm, Mark felt so warm. Donghyuck slots their lips at the perfect angle, spaces covered with flesh and warm skin. His lips were moist and soft from having  too much to drink and having to kiss Mark through the night. His hands find their way to Mark’s nape, one pulling him close and the other playing with the hair at the back of his neck — tugging and caressing.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark moves his hands to Donghyuck’s hips, pulling him even closer than he already was. His chest now pressed against Mark’s chest, shoulder to shoulder and flesh to flesh. His lips never leave the younger’s own, even as Donghyuck starts to move, pushing himself further, closer, soft whines swallowed by Mark’s mouth as he continues to move. Mark gasps when he feels the younger’s tongue glide across his lower lip. It presses against his own, warm and soft, he should be disgusted, but he feels warmth bloom in his chest, one way or another, a moan leaves his lips as well making the younger smile. Mark pinches his side in warning and Donghyuck whines, biting at his lower lip in return, eliciting a groan from Mark. He tugs at the flesh before letting it go, then catching it with another kiss, sealing their lips together. Donghyuck’s hand on his nape, pushes lower with a force that makes Mark detach his lips from the younger. He leads Mark to his neck, pushing the older’s head to were the expanse of skin is exposed, uncovered by his shirt. Mark obliges. He always does. He peppers the younger’s neck with small kisses, soft and gentle, with ease and patience, making sure to place one on every nook and cranny. He stops along the middle of the younger’s neck, sucking at the skin and nipping, making sure it leaves bruises to mark him for days. He elicits another soft whine from the younger’s lips as he throws his head back, giving Mark a better angle. He makes good use of it, biting at the flesh and not stopping until the younger clutches at his hair to tug him off. He licks at the little bruise forming against the golden skin, it feels like a sin to ruin such a perfect masterpiece, but Mark is the artist and Donghyuck’s skin is the canvas, he blows cool air on the wet surface, making the younger shiver.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Hey,” Mark mumbles, “You still hear me?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah,” Donghyuck mumbles, eyes dazed, cheeks flushed and lips parted. His chest heaves steadily, panting for breath, “clearer now.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I love you.” Mark whispers against his lips. Their foreheads are pressed against each other now, close and quiet, “I really do.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I know.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> 💌 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Dear Donghyuck,</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I still think about you, I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t want this. I know you’d hate me for it but lately you’re all I think about. You’ve been running through my head, Hyuck. It’s unhealthy and leaving me unproductive, but I’m not blaming you. I’m not. I don’t know what I want to say, I just want to tell you I still do. My mind is a mess, I don’t want to bother you, I don’t want to plead but I miss you, I really do. I’m not asking for you to come back or keep in touch with me. Just one response would be fine. If you’d send me a letter with just the words, “I’m okay” then I’ll stop. I’ll be fine, Hyuck. I’ll be the happiest. I just want to know you’re happy. Tell me about your day, tell me about what you’ve decided on college, tell me about the things you do. It’s a little bit too much but I’m hoping. I still hope. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>If fate wants us too, maybe we’d get another chance too, but only if you let me.</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I miss you, Hyuck. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Sincerely  Yours,</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Mark.</em> </b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Earth to Mark,” He startles from where he’s seated in the library, “You’ve been zoning out, you didn’t even see me arrive. What’s gotten into you?” </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing,” he shrugs, pulling his textbooks to the side to make space for the other. Mina shakes her head and goes to sit across from him, “Nothing my ass.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s true, I’m just tired,” he sighs, although his voice comes out defensive, “and stressing maybe.” </p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t slack off when it’s finals, we’re graduating soon,” Mina sighs, looking at Mark with concern in her eyes, until it shifts all too quickly, “Ok, get your shit together and tell me what’s going on. I can’t stand your sulky face.” </p><p> </p><p>“What exactly is my sulky face?” </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t make me explain I might throw up,” she jokes. Mark lets out a breathy chuckle along with her. It makes him feel better, having friends, that is.</p><p> </p><p>“Am I horrible?” he asks so suddenly, atmosphere shifting along with him. His shoulders slump forward and his sulky face apparently still remains, although Mina understands. She always does.</p><p> </p><p>“No, of course not,” she says with such a gentle voice, “I guess not considering your sulky face but—“</p><p> </p><p>“Mina,” Mark warns.</p><p> </p><p>“No, for real, who told you that?” she asks, face crumpling into a frown.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like it,” he answers, eyes stinging. It hurts to admit, “I just want to know if he’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” she gasps in understanding and realization. Mark’s friends know, he’s managed to tell them right from the start. It’s not like he approached them the first time and just said, <em> hey, I’m Mark and I have someone dear to me that I can’t seem to move on from. </em>It’s just that, one way or another, Mark just managed to open up to each one of them about how he feels and how it hurts to think of a certain someone he’s left back home, “It’s about him…” </p><p> </p><p>“What’s new anyway,” Mark slumps further into his seat. He feels embarrassed and ashamed of the way he’s acting. He didn’t want to stress out his friend when they were clearly studying for finals and focusing on trying to graduate.</p><p> </p><p>“Mark, you’re not horrible,” Mina tries to explain, easing out his tensed state, “You might have had misunderstandings, yes, a mistake on your part and on his part as well, but that doesn’t make you horrible. You two broke off without talking or even saying goodbye and that may have caused all these emotions you feel but you’re not horrible Mark. You were young, stupid, and for the most part, stupid again and in love.” </p><p> </p><p>“Wow, okay, but thank you, I really don’t know what to think about now,” Mark groans, hands coming up to tug at his hair.</p><p> </p><p>“You should think about finals,” Mina clapped her hands, pushing the bundles of review materials towards Mark, “Cheer up, okay? You’ll be fine.” </p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>Mark looks at the wall clock hanging in front of his study table, the ticking being enough to distract him from concentrating on his review materials. There was a pile of papers in front of him, mocking him and his misery. It’s funny because usually he’d be able to finish it in no time, but looking at the clock, it’s already past 10, yet, he still had so much to go over. The clock ticking on his wall starts to put pressure on him, no more distraction, just pressure. <em> Tick, tock, tick, tock. </em>Time is ticking but he hasn’t even gotten half of the papers done. He feels his head hurt, worrying too much about what the outcome of his tests would be, it’s even funnier that way because he’s stressing himself over possible results when he hasn’t even studied. He sighs and lets his head fall on the table amongst his papers, “I’m tired.”</p><p> </p><p>He lets his mind wander, as expected, they land on memories he shouldn’t even be thinking of at this point. Memories that should be pushed at the back of his head until he forgets them due to memory decay for the lack of use of such, “If you were here you’d kiss me and study with me, wouldn’t you, Donghyuck?” he mumbles, quiet enough so that the others won’t hear him through the walls, “I’m acting as if you’re dead, it’s ridiculous, I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s a push and pull between his brain and his heart. His brain telling him to shut the fuck up and review, while his heart was telling him to keep sulking. Maybe he should drink it away, but that wouldn’t turn out well either. He thinks of sleeping, it’s still the same when he wakes up. Constant ideas run through Mark’s head but none of them seemed to work. So much ideas and complicated plans, but never just telling himself to stop thinking of Donghyuck and letting him go. </p><p> </p><p>He thinks of the last time he saw Donghyuck. It was winter and the skies were gloomy. He was nineteen then and the younger was a year behind. Donghyuck had requested to see him before the snow storm began because they wouldn’t have a chance to spend their time together anymore. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Pomegranate hair peeks in little strands from where the beanie covers his head from the cold. His cheeks were flushed and the turtle neck sweater he wore beneath the layers of padded jackets did a great job at keeping him warm, reaching even his mouth. He takes Mark’s hand in his and pulls him close the moment he arrives. Donghyuck smiles at him, though, his smile doesn't reach his eyes.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Can I get a kiss?” Donghyuck asks with a pout. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark had raised his eyebrows in confusion, “What for?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Nothing,” the younger slightly deflates, “do I need a reason?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Not really, no, I don’t think so,” Mark replies. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Donghyuck had hung his head low at that, shoulders hiked upward and shaking. If it weren’t for the tracks of melted snow from little droplets of water beneath their feet, Mark wouldn’t have figured out that the other was crying at all.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Donghyuck…” he trails off, scared and uncertain.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The younger looks up, pretty face flushed and puffy with tears rolling down his cheeks. Mark had forgotten how much it hurts to see the younger like this, “Do you still love me, Mark?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He does. Of course he does. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I’m sorry if I feel this way, it’s just that, lately…,” he trails off, “lately I just felt like… like we aren’t working out anymore.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He worries his bottom lip between his teeth, Mark thinks if he keeps it up, it’ll start bleeding. There’s a pang in his chest from seeing the younger so torn and hurt, and there’s another stab at his heart from where he realizes he’s the reason for the tears the younger has shed. He wants to wipe away the sorrow and kiss the pain away but he’s stuck in his place — motionless, inexperienced and clueless. He’s frozen and he has no idea what to do. He just wants to go back home, have Donghyuck in his arms and let the younger snuggle up to his chest in his clothes. Yet, here they were, standing outside in the cold, the sky is gloomy and it matches the expressions on both their faces, maybe not even gloomy enough for the pain written on Donghyuck’s face.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I understand, I’ve come to learn for years that you’re not as affectionate as I am and I understand that, I really do, but… My love language is touch, Mark. No matter how hard I tell myself that I understand it’s still not going to sit right with me, it’s not going to make me feel better,” he says in one breath, ragged and rushed from the cold. His words bite at Mark’s heart like ice crystals biting at his skin, slicing and hurting until he cries and he just wants the pain to go away, “I don’t feel loved anymore.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Donghyuck…” Mark manages to whisper, “I thought you wanted to spend time before…”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I wanted to kiss you one last time,” Donghyuck cuts him off, letting out the breath he’s been holding, “Before I ask us to take a break… It hurts, Mark,” he sobs, hands coming up to wipe forcefully at his cheeks. They end up dirtied by the tear stains and the red marks his hand had caused, “but maybe after the storm… We can work it out… " </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The exact same moment the words left Donghyuck's mouth was the same time Mark felt as though his world was crumbling at his feet. No words rushed out from his mouth, no coherent thoughts and decent sentences. His mind was all over the place trying to think about where he went wrong. He was trying so hard. He tried so hard to make them work, to figure it out with Donghyuck, to adjust himself just so the younger's needs would be satisfied. It was hard for him to be affectionate, to be open, to give gifts and make everything worthwhile, but he's adjusting little by little. He was trying for the both of them. He's been so scared of fucking up and losing his chance with Donghyuck that he fails to realize just how much he's already ruined. Donghyuck was too good to be true. Sometimes Mark wondered why the other even confessed to him in the first place, yet ever since, Mark had been scared of boring the younger or making him feel like he made the wrong decision. Funny, because here they were now.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I still love you, I really do," Donghyuck mumbles, eyes sparkling, gaze soft and lips trembling. Mark never cried, Mark had never been vulnerable, but Donghyuck must have seen the tears welling up on Mark's eyes, threatening to fall. He raises a hand to cup Mark's cheek, gently, stroking a thumb against a single tear drop that managed to escape. Mark's head instinctively leans into the touch and it breaks Donghyuck once again, eliciting another wave of fresh hot tears streaming down his cheeks.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "What do you want, Mark?"  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He fails to answer.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Donghyuck laughs bitterly, although, it was more of sadness and pain rather than bitterness. Maybe he feels it too, the pang in his chest from where it hurts the most.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "We'll be okay," he says, squeezing Mark's hand.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark believed in him.  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Mark looks up at his clock again, groaning when he sees it's almost 11:30, meaning he's been thinking of a certain someone for quite too long. He wonders how Donghyuck looked now. If he's still as beautiful as before. Mark's brain provides him with an answer saying he's a lot more beautiful now than he ever was before, because now, people are able to love him, spoil him and give him all the attention he wants. He must be blooming. All the things Mark couldn't do for him. He wonders if Donghyuck still had Pomegranate hair, or golden skin, is he still as flawless as he was, did he have new scars, does he still use eyeshadow on important meetings, is he still the same as before? Mark wants to know so much but can only imagine. Maybe Donghyuck has matured and Mark wouldn't be able to recognize him at first glance, but that's impossible, Donghyuck wouldn't want to look far from what he actually looks like. With the energy left in his body, Mark grabs one of the stationeries and his pen to write what seems to feel like the last letter he'll be sending for now, he needs to get his shit together and know where he's going with this. He needs a little break. He needs to understand himself.</p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Dear Donghyuck, </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>By the time you read this letter, I have probably stopped writing by then. I know I said I've never actually fell out of love, I really didn't, and I'm not taking it back. I wished for you to come back to me but I've come to a realization that I was the one who never actually gave us a chance. I left without a word. When you said we'd try to make up after the storm, I left without telling you, I took my leave and never gave us another chance. I figured it out now, Hyuck. I left, but my heart was left with you. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Wherever you are now, I hope you're always happy. I just know you're surrounded by people you love now – those who care about you and love you dearly. Donghyuck, if fate lets us cross paths someday, I'll always be willing to give us another go and I'll do whatever it takes for you to forgive me. I know it may be a hard thing to do but I'm willing to wait this time. I just want you to know that we were young, I was clueless and dumb, I was in love but I didn't know how to show you. But all these years I've always known that where you are is where I always want to be. Anywhere as long as you're there with me. You can take my heart and run along. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I'm afraid I'll always be running after you, Donghyuck. I'm sorry I was so scared of you getting tired of me and leaving me to the point I never even realized the damage I've caused. I was so scared of losing you that I never realized where I went wrong. I wanted to be perfect for you. I wanted you to stay so bad. We were different, Hyuck. You were you and I was me, we were just two completely different people who wanted to meet in the middle. You were perfect and I wanted to be perfect for you. I'm sorry if I never made things clear, I'm sorry my actions were doubtful and I never had the chance to make you feel loved the way you love me. You love so dearly, you love with your entire being, you love with everything you have, you love so purely, and I could never be like you. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I know you tried to understand me and you kept it in for so long until you just broke. I'm sorry for always making you cry, Donghyuck. I'm sorry that my love was never enough. I'm sorry I was too dumb back then. I hate it when you cry, and I hate it even more when the reason behind your tears is me. It's always me, isn't it? I'm sorry, Hyuck, please forgive me. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>If fate wants us too, please, let's start all over again. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Until then Donghyuck, let's keep waiting for each other and let fate take its course. If we ever cross paths unsaid, then we'll know. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I'm still in love with you, but I'll let the thought of pleading for us to get back together and reaching out go. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>If you want to be free of the past, if you're already doing well without me, I'll have to let you go, wouldn't I? </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I love you. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Sincerely Yours, </em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Mark Lee. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck left Seoul during the month after the storm. The sky was bright then, the day feels brand new, the light of the sun cascaded down the roofs of overlapping houses and tall buildings that line the busy streets. Johnny, his older brother, was on the driver's seat concentrating on the road ahead. His bags are packed and he's ready to start a new life. Although, Johnny told him it wasn't a new life, it was just another chapter. With that, Donghyuck and he had come to terms to use the expression instead. He leaned his head on the car window, golden light dripping down his golden skin, making even his orange hair shine against the light. Johnny once complained about how much it stood out and made his eyes hurt. Donghyuck loved the thought of being looked at and standing out, so he kept it. </p><p> </p><p>Only his closest friends knew where he was going, aside from his family that is, although they were considered family at this point. The city was small and it was a big step for Donghyuck to move out and begin a new chapter of his life. Getting the scholarship for Japan has always looked like a dream and right now, dressed for the cold streets and life alone, Donghyuck thinks it felt like a dream. The airport was starting to look clearer and nearer as Johnny took turns every now and then and before he knew it, he was wrapped in his brother's arms, face pressed on the material of Johnny's padded jacket. </p><p> </p><p>"Please don't tell me you're about to cry, hyung," Donghyuck sighs in exasperation, mocking his brother's flair for the dramatics. </p><p> </p><p>"Shut up for once," Johnny grumbled, pulling him closer and tighter into the bear hug, "I want to remember what it feels like to hug my baby brother."</p><p> </p><p>"I'll be coming home every now and then, hyung, you don't need to cry a river," Donghyuck rolls his eyes but doesn't make a move to detach from his brother, "Hyung, come on, you're making me not want to leave." he says, voice wavering. </p><p> </p><p>"Aw, Duckie," Johnny coos, pulling Donghyuck away at arm's length, "Look at hyung, you're gonna do amazing there."</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck worries his bottom lip between his teeth, a little whine coming out from his throat as he stops the tears from spilling, "I said I wouldn't cry, this is so unfair, hyung!" </p><p> </p><p>Johnny could only chuckle, giving his little brother another hug and a kiss atop his head before pushing him away in hopes to get rid of him. As quoted by his words, <em> "Come on, get out of here, Mom said I needed to get rid of you." </em>Donghyuck only pouts before dragging his luggage with him. He stops in his tracks and runs back to his brother with hopeful eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Hyung, can I ask you a favor?" Donghyuck asks with hopeful eyes to which leaves Johnny confused yet he agrees anyway. </p><p> </p><p>"I never told him I was leaving, but if he ever comes back for me, for anyone, please tell me, hyung. Please tell him, I'll be back," Johnny's face contorts, knowing exactly who Donghyuck was pertaining to. </p><p> </p><p>"I know you're not fond of what he did, hyung, but I love him, I still do. Please do it for me?" Donghyuck pleads, "It's the only thing I ask of you. If he ever tries, hyung, I know he was scared. I know he'll start trying soon enough." </p><p> </p><p>Johnny had agreed with a frown on his face and a heart heavy towards someone who hurt his brother dearly. It will never leave his mind how Donghyuck had cried for weeks after such a horrible storm to wake up to Mark leaving for Vancouver without a goodbye nor a single explanation. Donghyuck was left having with his heart in his hands for Mark to take. Johnny even thinks Mark left with his brother's heart with him. </p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, hyung, the snow is crazy," Donghyuck manages to say with his phone sitting on his shoulder, trapped and pressed against his ear as he ties his shoelaces, "but I'm heading out to get food with my friends."  </p><p> </p><p>"Donghyuck, you better be wearing layers and layers of clothes, I don't tolerate style over health," Johnny warns. </p><p> </p><p>"Coming from you?" Donghyuck teases, finally managing to wear his shoes. He holds the phone in his hand in order to get into his padded jacket. Jeno has texted him about 5 times earlier, saying that he and the others have already arrived in the cafe and they were only for Donghyuck now. It's crazy how they all passed the scholarship program in Japan, it's the biggest surprise when Donghyuck left Seoul only to find out that his best friends have just received their emails to leave as soon as possible. He cried with so much happiness, getting to start a new chapter with the people he valued most. If only they had one more person with them. Who was he to hope? </p><p> </p><p>"Come on, Hyuck, I can't afford you getting sick. You're graduating soon," Johnny sighs. </p><p> </p><p>"Am I really?" the younger teases, "Kidding, stop stressing, hyung, I'll be fine. I'm heading out now."</p><p> </p><p>He fetches his keys from the counter, heading straight to the door to lock his apartment behind him. The chills of the outdoor air hit his face almost immediately and he regrets even agreeing to go out. He should've just dealt with instant ramen. He shakes his head, <em> no thanks.  </em></p><p> </p><p>"Hyung?" Donghyuck asks softly as he halts by the stairs, eyes scanning the city he's living in, "Have you heard anything about him?" </p><p> </p><p>"Who?" Johnny wonders in confusion, "Oh, you mean. Nah, not even a single gossip. He's living his life Donghyuck and aren't you happy living yours?" </p><p> </p><p>"I am," Donghyuck answers too defensively. </p><p> </p><p>"Just keep living Donghyuck, you're already doing well. Stop worrying about him," Johnny says all too seriously. Donghyuck has no choice but to agree and say goodbye to leave the phone hanging. </p><p> </p><p>Johnny sighs, placing his coffee cup on the kitchen counter. His brother hasn't moved on despite having been gone for 4 whole years. He shakes his head, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he stares at the scented stationery sitting between his fingers. The boy hasn't stopped, not slacking off, not even one month, but Johnny never told Donghyuck about it. Telling Donghyuck would mean distracting the younger and he was already doing so well on his own. He didn't want to give Donghyuck a reason to come home and waste time looking for a boy who left him hanging. Johnny knows he's not in the place to lie to Donghyuck and keep things from him, but he hated seeing his brother so hurt. He hated Mark for what he did and no amount of letters would ever convince him to tell Donghyuck about it. </p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>"Do you think it would be nice to visit home without telling anyone?" Donghyuck wonders out loud through his coffee cup. His eyes were wide and directed to his friends sitting across from him. </p><p> </p><p>"You'll give Johnny hyung a heart attack," Jeno chuckles, "Oh, the poor man, I can just imagine," Jaemin sighs, agreeing with a nod. </p><p> </p><p>"I've been thinking about visiting Seoul for some time now too," Renjun adds, "When do you think is the perfect moment?" </p><p> </p><p>"My guts says spring but my heart somehow says summer," Donghyuck shrugs nonchalantly. He's always been a summer person, bathing in the light of the sun and the warmth on his fingertips. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm in, I've managed to save up enough anyway," Renjun claps excitedly, bouncing on his seat. </p><p> </p><p>"If Injun is in then we'd have to be in too," Jaemin grins, perfect teeth presented for everyone to see. </p><p> </p><p>"Then we'll leave this summer, God, you guys are amazing. Sometimes I just want to join the three of you," Donghyuck sighs before cringing at what he just said. </p><p> </p><p>"Aw, you're always welcome, Hyuckie," Jaemin answers suggestively with an eyebrow wiggle. Donghyuck only gives him a look, going to throw crumpled tissue at him. </p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>It takes a few months before Donghyuck gets his papers and ticket ready. It was pretty hard to keep his excitement to himself and do his best to keep the trip from his brother. Johnny was talkative and so was Donghyuck, one way or another, slipping was prone and it gets risky especially when Johnny starts asking him what he's up to. </p><p> </p><p>When his mom and his dad call him and ask him about his day, he has to take a breath or two before answering because it would slip past his mind and he'd go blurting out, "<em> Oh you know, planning a surprise visit to Korea." </em>It's so hard being so excited and happy with the thought of coming back home and keeping it a secret from anyway. Either way, he has to endure it to make sure his plan ends up successful. </p><p> </p><p>Just as going to Japan to study was a big step for Donghyuck, going back home to visit was a big step for him as well. Going back means reuniting with old memories, with old people, with old friends. Opening up past scars that have healed and scars that are still healing. Donghyuck knows he won't be able to keep the emotions inside once he arrives, he knows it's normal to feel nostalgic, it's normal to feel as though everything is still fresh because it's a part of his life he's left, he's spend the rest of his life in Seoul and he can't just throw everything away in hopes to feel less of the pain in his heart. </p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck shakes out the nerves from his system. His hands are shaking either from the cold or the anxiety that gnaws at him as he takes the old set of keys he used to have four years ago. He hopes Johnny still had the same doorknob and one of the keys worked. </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck pushes in the key turning the knob around, eyes closed, face crumpled, waiting for it to make a sound. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Click!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His eyes widen comically as he pushed the door open and ran inside the living room. The alarms in Johnny's mind go off when he hears the door click and heavy footsteps emerge from the entrance of their home. </p><p> </p><p>He's taken aback when he hears the sound of a suitcase falling to the ground and suddenly a pair of arms wrap around his torso, shoving another body against his warmth. It doesn't take him another minute to recognize his brother's soft giggles as he snuggles closer to Johnny. Donghyuck's hair was a soft tuft of brown now. He's grown so much and it feels so new because the only way he gets to see Donghyuck is through his pixelated video messages where he can't even figure out where the other's nose was. </p><p> </p><p>"Duckie!" Johnny screamed, lifting the younger up in his arms and twirling the younger around in the air, making both of them dizzy. </p><p> </p><p>"Hyung, I swear your dramatics are getting out of hand," Donghyuck chuckles, hand supporting himself on the counter. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm a theater student, bud," Johnny states a matter of fact, "But you, you are one sneaky child. When? How? Why are you here?" </p><p> </p><p>"Do you want me to leave then?" Donghyuck pouts, his soft bangs falling against his eyes, hiding his brown puppy eyes. He looks so much like their mom when he acts like this. Johnny makes a reminder to visit their parents during the younger's stay. </p><p> </p><p>"Not a chance," Johnny says firmly, grin spreading across his face, pulling the younger closer into one of his bear hugs, "I missed you, Hyuckie, it's always so quiet here." </p><p> </p><p>"I missed you too, hyung," he answers with a deep breath, "Can we visit mom and dad?" </p><p> </p><p>"Any time you want," the older says, detaching himself to ruffle Donghyuck's hair to which the younger glares at him. </p><p> </p><p>"Now?" Donghyuck asks, eyes hopeful and sparkling, "I only have a week so." </p><p> </p><p>"Alright, pack up your shit, we're staying over at mom and dad's," Johnny smiles with one of his bright smiles. Donghyuck thinks they both got it from their dad. He always had an award winning smile. Donghyuck doesn't think he didn't have it the way his dad and Johnny did, no one's ever told him so. Although, he's always been called pretty. Someone specifically have told him he had such a pretty smile and it was enough to make him feel the butterflies in his stomach erupt. </p><p> </p><p>He shakes his head, pushing the thought to the back of his head. He's here to visit his family and not to open Pandora's box of painful memories and messed up emotions. This is all about quality time with his family, he wasn't going to let someone whose left a few years back ruin it. He wasn't mad, was he? Donghyuck isn't mad. He's just sad and upset maybe, yeah, a bit upset for sure. </p><p> </p><p>He gives his brother a tight lipped smile when the older gives him a confused look with a raise of his eyebrow. Shrugging it off, he grabs Donghyuck's luggage and his car keys, nodding towards the door to get them going. </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck and Johnny make small conversation while they're in the car. Catching up and telling stories about how their days have been going. Donghyuck feels warm, he feels younger all over again, he feels as though he's back in highschool and his brother is giving him a lift to school. He takes a deep breath, exhaling through his nose as they passed by the old high school he used to go to. He feels Johnny side eye him, a hint of concern and nostalgia also painting his face. Donghyuck ducks his head, looking out at the soccer field, closed off by the school's huge gates where students used to run with arcade and street food in their heads. Donghyuck used to be one of those kids too. The soccer field gives him just as much nostalgia as the buildings do, he used to play a lot, won competitions with the school's team and made so many friends while he's at it. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Come on, just a little bit more," Mark pants out, arm wrapped around the small of Donghyuck's waist, "Sit down, we need to get that treated." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Mark, it's okay," Donghyuck insists, moving his leg to reassure the older that he was definitely fine, "I'm fine, see, it's just a little scratch. I get these all the time."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark stops in his tracks, giving Donghyuck a look, before reaching out to cup his chin. He tilts the younger's head to the side, eyeing the dark mark on the side of his face and below his chin," You hurt yourself. " Mark whispers in realization.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Donghyuck gives him a soft smile, "I'm okay. You're worrying too much." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mark furrows his eyebrows, "I worry because I care about you."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I know that," Donghyuck answers in an even softer tone. Mark lets out a deep sigh, exasperated and tired. He crouches down to Donghyuck's level from where he sits on one of the benches. Mark cups his cheek then, looking straight at Donghyuck's eyes, something he can't seem to do but managed to this time around, "Can we at least get you checked, please?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Donghyuck looks at him then and he realizes just how in deep they both are. Mark waits in bathed breath as the younger only stares back at him, only releasing it when Donghyuck answers, "If that's what you want." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"You okay there, bud?" Johnny asks all of a sudden, startling him out of his bubble of thought. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, just remembered something," he shrugs. As they pass the old school, he looks at the rearview mirror towards the junior building's rooftop. It gives him so much memories he can't even manage to compile into one thought. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I want to kiss you,” Mark replies absent-minded, he looks as if the thought just hopped into his head and he decides that voicing it out would be the best idea. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Stop messing with me please.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Donghyuck, I really want to kiss you right now,” he firmly says. His eyes are looking straight at Donghyuck and his voice is filled with nothing but determination and sincerity. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck remains quiet in his seat. Smiling to himself despite the pang he feels in his chest. Amongst all the hurt and regret he feels in his chest, the positive memories and happy thoughts still manage to resurface and keep his mind occupied. It's healing in a way, nostalgic and sentimental, painful but comforting. </p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck's father decides that they should have Korean barbecue for dinner and drink some when the night looms over the city to bond with each other. It's a great idea, everyone thinks, Donghyuck does too. He misses their presence, misses the comfort of their home and the warmth of his parents' hugs. </p><p> </p><p>When the night falls deeper and falls over the city, darkness contrasting with the fairy lights of their backyard. The stars and the moon watching over them, giving the radiance they needed. Light and comforting, that's what Donghyuck feels. His cheeks were flushed from having too much to drink, his dad was starting to tease him about it, saying he's a light weight. Donghyuck would only laugh it off with him. It's not until it's almost midnight when he feels the nostalgia creeping up to him and his first instinct was to cuddle up next to his mother on the couch. She's taken aback when Donghyuck's long figure drape over her, arms wrapping around her torso and head snuggling on her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Her hands come up to caress his head, petting his hair gently, "What's wrong sweetheart?" </p><p> </p><p>That was all it takes for the dam to break, his mom always knows the right places, the right words to say and the right reasons. </p><p> </p><p>"I… I miss him," he sobs on her shoulder, "I know he was scared, I know it was my fault, but I never asked for him to leave. Mom, I just wanted to figure myself out. I didn't want to lose him. I never did."</p><p> </p><p>"I wanted to grow with him, mom, I wanted to be with him for as long as God would let me. I wanted to wake up to him in the morning, to see his smile, to tease his cooking, to kiss him, to hug him. It was perfect in my head."</p><p> </p><p>"I ruined it," Donghyuck mumbles. </p><p> </p><p>His mom rubs comforting circles at his back, urging him to let it all out and cry what he has left. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought we'd work it out after the storm, I told him I just needed a short break, I never said leave me in the open," he takes a deep breath, "I haven't heard from him in four years but he's all I think about. There were so many new people in Japan, so many kind hearts and sweetest smiles but I don't think anyone can ever love me the way he did. It's ridiculous, I can't even say his name but he's all I, want, he's all I fucking want, I still love him. I really love him. I want him back, mom."</p><p> </p><p>"Sweetheart," his mother hushes, pulling him closer. </p><p> </p><p>"I thought he would reach out but it's been four years and I guess we're just both cowards."</p><p> </p><p>"Hyuckie, you're one of the bravest souls out there. You've lived independently since your brother turned legal, you moved to Japan alone, you've gone through so much and achieved so much," his mom reassures him, wiping the tears from his eyes, "Maybe it's not yet the perfect timing. Maybe there's someone else in store for you. Maybe someone is out there waiting for you too, I know it hurts, sweetheart, but the world is a very big place with a lot of people. There will be a lot more people to meet. I'm not telling you to forget him and I'm not telling you to get your hopes up either, but if Mark is really the one for you, then fate will make a way." </p><p> </p><p>She tucks the scattered strands of Donghyuc's hair behind his ear, revealing his pretty face,"You don't search for love, Donghyuck, love finds you. You may be here and he may be in the other side of the world, but if it's love, then it'll come back to you. You just have to wait a little longer."</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck falls asleep in the comfort of his mom's arms and her words ringing in his head. </p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>"Hyung, have you gotten your bag?" Donghyuck shouts from where he rummages through his closet. He never expected a week to drift from his fingertips that quick but alas, here they are, getting ready to leave for the airport. It feels like deja vu, Johnny driving him t o the airport again just like the first time he left.</p><p> </p><p>"In my room, I left it sorry!" Johnny shouts back from outside, too busy getting the car ready. Donghyuck rolls his eyes, running into the older's room. </p><p> </p><p>"Gotcha!" he exclaims as he spots the black bag from the corner of Johnny's bed. </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck’s curiosity gets the best of him though when he lifts the bag only to make a box made of old cartons tip over and spill a bunch of envelopes. His lips form into a smirk as he recognizes the envelopes to be stationeries. He laughs, thinking about how his brother had some sort of secret admirer. Keeping the chuckles to himself, he picks one up to blackmail Johnny once he gets out of the room. Donghyuck couldn't contain the laughter in so he quickly flips one of the envelopes, only to stop dead in his tracks. </p><p> </p><p>A small gasp leaves his lips, breath hitching, stuck in his throat. He feels his throat clogging, his chest tightening, making his head hurt, making it so fucking hard to breathe. He rapidly blinks again, trying to figure out if he's really seeing what he's seeing. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" he whispers to himself, trying to get his shit together. He shakes his head, dropping the bag to the floor. He kneels down beside the bed, pulling the box out. He shakes his head again in disbelief, letters upon piles of letters, all kept, all addressed to himself, sent from fucking Vancouver, from no one but Mark Lee. </p><p> </p><p>He rummaged through each one, checking the dates, <em> 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021. </em>His heart is pounding in his chest as he realizes the letters have been going on for four years, one each month, one after the other, yet he had no fucking idea. He wants to scream, he wants to cry, he wants to ask Johnny why, but he feels numb. He feels so weak. He feels so defeated. He can't feel his heart, he cant feel his hands. He sits on the floor, back against the bed as he clutches one of the recent letters sent last month. He stared at the envelope, face numb, ignorant of the tears running down his cheeks. They felt like rain on a gloomy day, waterfalls meeting the ground, he feels numb but the tears kept going. Mark has been trying, Mark never stopped trying. Donghyuck didn't know what to do and he had no fucking idea what to feel. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Dear Donghyuck, </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>By the time you read this letter, I have probably stopped writing by then. I know I said I've never actually fell out of love, I really didn't, and I'm not taking it back…</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck sobs, hand coming up to cover his mouth and block out the little whimpers that leave his mouth as he tries to make them stop, he talks as if he's talking to Mark, begging for him to not stop, to not give up, because he's here. He's finally here. Donghyuck never fell out of love. He never did, and he never wanted Mark to fall out of love either. </p><p> </p><p>"What's taking you so long?" Johnny emerges from behind the door. </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck looks up from where he sits on the floor, eyes red and puffy, snot and tears a mess on his face, "What are these?" he asks, feeling so vulnerable, betrayed and defeated. </p><p> </p><p>"Hyuck," Johnny whispers, voice wavering. He shakes his head, rushing to pull the younger into his arms. </p><p> </p><p>"No!" Donghyuck screams through his tears, "Tell me what these are, hyung, tell me why you have them." he demands. He never expected for himself to scream at his brother like such but he feels so hurt and betrayed, like the world is against him and the only person he's clinging to, pushes him away. </p><p> </p><p>"Hyuckie, I just don't want you to get hurt again," Johnny pleads, reaching out for his younger brother's hands, "Hyung hates seeing you like this."</p><p> </p><p>"You told me he wasn't trying," Donghyuck sobs, chest heaving and shoulders shaking, "Hyung… He needs me, Mark needs me…" </p><p> </p><p>He wipes his tears away with the sleeve of his sweater, looking straight at his brother, "I still love him, hyung, and everyday I tell myself I just have to wait, we'll find a way. I promised him we'd be okay, but I'm doing such a horrible job at that. I thought you were on my side."</p><p> </p><p>"I am, Hyuck, I, always am," Johnny tugs at his brother, pleading for him to stop crying and being upset , "I'm only looking out for you. He hurt you."</p><p> </p><p>"It was my fault, hyung, I asked for a break. I blocked him off, I pushed him away and he never got the chance to tell me he was leaving, it wasn't just his fault," Donghyuck tries to explain, "We're both at fault and we need to fix this."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, Hyuckie, I really am. Hyung hates it when you get hurt, please stop crying," Johnny pleads, engulfing the younger into one of his bear hugs. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna write him back," Donghyuck says firmly, standing to get up from where they're huddled on the floor, "I'll send it when I get back to Tokyo."</p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>The ride to the airport was silent, Johnny managed to kiss atop his head before he left. They've cooled down, he can't leave upset at his brother. They can't stay upset at each other for more than an hour. They were too close, too affectionate. </p><p> </p><p>The sea of people in the airport almost swallows Donghyuck whole. It's so unlike their airport to be this crowded, it's almost suffocating and everyone was moving in such a fast pace it leaves him stumbling and pushed around like a rag doll. He drags his suitcase closer to himself, <em> he can do this. </em>He thinks about his friends and how they must be doing, the three have left earlier than he did because of the lack of tickets for the earlier flights. He decided to just go after them. It'd be the same anyway, they'd reach Tokyo the same day. </p><p> </p><p>He groans once again at the crowded sea of people, damn does he hate pushing. He's startled out of his thoughts when a hand pulls his wrist back, stopping him in his tracks. He almost tugs his hand away to sneer at the person because it wasn't a good timing to get into his nerves now. Not when he's feeling like shit and the crowd isn't helping at all. </p><p> </p><p>"Donghyuck?" the voice, so new yet familiar to his ears, asks. </p><p> </p><p>He looks up from his wrist, from where the skin is in contrast with his own. His eyes meet round expectant ones, hopeful and glossy as he stares at the younger. His lips form a little "o" as his eyes go over the younger's face. Searching his eyes, searching for any hint of reaction. </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck could only stand in shock. Frozen in his place. He feels his eyes sting as well, tears forming, threatening to fall. He swallows down hard, trying to swallow down his emotions along with it. </p><p> </p><p>"Mark," he manages to whisper, almost inaudible and more to himself than anyone else. </p><p> </p><p>The older's eyes divert to the luggage beside Donghyuck, where his hands gripped so tightly his knuckles have started to turn white, "You're leaving?" </p><p> </p><p>He doesn't hesitate to answer, words coming out rushed, "I just visited for a week. You?" </p><p> </p><p>"I'm staying… For a week," Mark nods, eyebrows furrowed, staring at the younger as if he's trying to take everything in, memorize Donghyuck’s features and memorize his face. </p><p> </p><p>"I…" Donghyuck trails off, "You're— you're here."</p><p> </p><p>"I wanted to see you," Mark chuckles, shaking his head as if everything was too good to be true. As if it was ridiculous that he's staying a week to look for Donghyuck when he coincidentally bumps into the other, leaving Seoul after staying a week. Crazy. Fate works in crazy ways. </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck’s gaze wavers and Mark notes to cherish the memory of seeing Donghyuck’s cheeks flush a tint of pink from just his words. He still has that effect, he thinks proudly. He wants to pinch the younger's cheeks, pull him into his arms and maybe kiss him, but they weren't in those terms so he settles for memorizing his features. His eyes widen as though he realizes something. Donghyuck starts rummaging through his backpack, hands shaking and sweaty as he looks through his stuff for something. He takes out a little envelope, pastel yellow with sunflowers and glitter print.</p><p> </p><p>"I really have to go, Mark" he rushes out, "Keep it. Read it when you can, I– I want to give us a chance too. I want to work things out, I'm sorry I really need to go."</p><p> </p><p>"Hyuck, I don't know when I'll be able to see you again," Mark rushes out, holding tighter when the younger makes a move to leave. </p><p> </p><p>"What do you want, Mark?" </p><p> </p><p>"I don't want to make the same mistakes I did before," Mark says with sincerity, "I want to take the fall with you. Donghyuck, what do you want?" </p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck takes in a deep breath, "I want to start over again. I don't know how and I don't know when we'll see each other again but I want to kiss you."</p><p> </p><p>There are tears threatening to spill from both their eyes, but Mark manages to let out a breathy chuckle. He pulls Donghyuck away from the crowded sea of people and pulls him closer. Their foreheads lean against each other, one arm wrapped around Donghyuck’s waist and the other cupping his cheek. Mark marvels at the way the younger leans in to his touch. <em> His love language, </em>Mark thinks. He marvels at the way Donghyuck waits in bathed breath, his lips parted, his eyes fluttered close, eyelashes fanning against his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>"You're so pretty," Mark mumbles, lips already brushing against Donghyuck’s. </p><p> </p><p>"Kiss me before I go," Donghyuck croaks out. </p><p> </p><p>Mark smiles before slotting their lips together. It feels so new, it feels like ages but it's so, so familiar for both Mark and Donghyuck. The warmth on each other's lips, the moist of their lips, the soft of his skin, the taste of his kiss, his mouth and his tongue. The kiss was chaste and filled with warmth and emotions all over the place. It's like a non-verbal way of telling the other just how much they've missed the other. Mark keeps it in his heart and promises to remember what it felt like to kiss the sun and have him back in his arms. </p><p> </p><p>"I have to go," Donghyuck mumbles, "I love you."</p><p> </p><p>Mark is slightly taken aback, but he doesn't hesitate, he'll make things right, "Just as I love you."</p><p> </p><p>💌</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Dear Mark, </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>By the time you read this I'd have not a clue on how you feel about me or how you think about me, but I want you to know that I've figured it out now. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I still love you, I really do, I never knew it was possible to think of someone for four years straight despite not hearing anything from them or seeing them. I managed to do that, you've managed to find a habitat in my mind apparently. I can't stop thinking about you and worrying about you. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I know now not to get upset and throw tantrums over losing you. I'm sorry, Mark, I blamed it all on you when I was just as at fault as you were. I pushed you away, I blocked you out of my life without even letting you explain yourself, without even trying to understand you. I guess my patience was wearing thin and I wanted to feel loved so bad. I know you loved me, I know we had different love languages and it wasn't easy for you. I'm sorry I only thought of myself. I'm sorry for being selfish. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I know it's been years and it's time for us to move on, go our separate ways and start anew, but I only want to start all over with you. I want us to try again, I want us to work it out. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>We shouldn't search for love, we should let love find us. I don't know how fate works, but if fate wants us too, then so be it. If fate wants us too, then we'll find our way back to each other. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>I still love you Mark. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Until we meet again. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Always Yours, </em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Lee Donghyuck. </em> </b>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>kudos and comments will be much appreciated&lt;333</p></blockquote></div></div>
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